Spoiler
put it in the microwave until its BILL WITHERS
Andy's joke of the day.
Moderators: 4u Network, DJKeefy
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer ?
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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf who had his pocket picked.
How could anyone stoop so low
How could anyone stoop so low
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If at first you don't succeed then skydiving is probably not for you.
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Jayne bought a Newcastle United bra.
Very little support and no cups.
Very little support and no cups.
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A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet."
I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks.
The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!"
the doctor says.
"Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods.
"I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks.
The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!"
the doctor says.
"Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods.
"I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
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What do you get if you cross a motorway with a wheelbarrow ?
Spoiler
run over
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Had enough of the jokes ?
Then it's time to learn something new.
1. Coca-cola was originally green.
2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever.
4. Dumbest dog: Afghan
5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2
8. Amount American Airlines saved in '87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000
9. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4
12. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12
13. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
15. Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%
16. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
17. Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7
18. Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36%
19. Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43%
20. City with highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Washington DC
21. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
22. % of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50%
23. % of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58%
24. % of women who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 85%
25. Number of different family relationships for which Hallmark makes cards: 105
26. Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
27. Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
28. Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70%
29. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
30. Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3
31. Portion of potatoes sold that are French fried: 1/3
32. Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonald's each day: 7
33. Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90%
34. Percentage of mammal species that are: 3%
35. Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are above national average: 50%
36. Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5
37. Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7.
38. Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3
39. Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanon
40. Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt
41. Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for "Profiles in Courage"
42. Only President awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals
43. Only food that does not spoil: honey
44. Only person to win $64,000 Challenge and $64,000 Question: Dr. Joyce Brothers (subject is boxing)
45. Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird
46. Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica
47. Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: pig
48. Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.
49. An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
50. In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
51. Polar bears are left-handed.
52. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
53. Eskimos never gamble.
54. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
55. The youngest pope was 11 years old.
56. Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.
57. Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.
58. Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.
59. Your nose and ears never stop growing.
60. Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined.
61. Hot water is heavier than cold.
62. The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.
63. They have square watermelons in Japan. They stack better.
64. Cream does not weigh as much as milk.
65. Starfish have eight eyes-one at the end of each leg.
66. Iceland consumes more Coca-cola per capita than any other nation.
67. First novel ever written on a typewriter was "Tom Sawyer."
68. There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
69. Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.
70. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
71. Men get hiccups more often than women.
72. Armadillos can be housebroken.
Then it's time to learn something new.
1. Coca-cola was originally green.
2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever.
4. Dumbest dog: Afghan
5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2
8. Amount American Airlines saved in '87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000
9. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4
12. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12
13. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
15. Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%
16. Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33
17. Average number of days a West German goes without washing his underwear: 7
18. Percentage of Americans who say that God has spoken to them: 36%
19. Percentage of Americans who regularly attend religious services: 43%
20. City with highest per capita viewership of TV evangelists: Washington DC
21. Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%
22. % of American women who say they would marry the same man: 50%
23. % of men who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 58%
24. % of women who say they are happier after their divorce or separation: 85%
25. Number of different family relationships for which Hallmark makes cards: 105
26. Cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
27. Average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000.
28. Percentage of Americans who have visited Disneyland or Disney World: 70%
29. Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
30. Portion of ice cream sold that is vanilla: 1/3
31. Portion of potatoes sold that are French fried: 1/3
32. Percentage of Americans that eat at McDonald's each day: 7
33. Percentage of bird species that are monogamous: 90%
34. Percentage of mammal species that are: 3%
35. Number of US states that claim test scores in their elementary schools are above national average: 50%
36. Portion of Harvard students who graduate with honors: 4/5
37. Chances that a burglary in the US will be solved: 1 in 7.
38. Portion of land in the US owned by the government: 1/3
39. Only President to remain a bachelor: James Buchanon
40. Only first lady to carry a loaded revolver: Eleanor Roosevelt
41. Only President to win a Pulitzer: John F. Kennedy for "Profiles in Courage"
42. Only President awarded a patent: Abe Lincoln, for a system of buoying vessels over shoals
43. Only food that does not spoil: honey
44. Only person to win $64,000 Challenge and $64,000 Question: Dr. Joyce Brothers (subject is boxing)
45. Only bird that can fly backwards: Hummingbird
46. Only continent without reptiles or snakes: Antarctica
47. Only animal besides human that can get sunburn: pig
48. Ostriches stick their heads in the sand to look for water.
49. An eagle can kill a young deer and fly away with it.
50. In the Caribbean there are oysters that can climb trees.
51. Polar bears are left-handed.
52. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
53. Eskimos never gamble.
54. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
55. The youngest pope was 11 years old.
56. Mark Twain didn't graduate from elementary school.
57. Proportional to their weight, men are stronger than horses.
58. Pilgrims ate popcorn at the first Thanksgiving dinner.
59. Your nose and ears never stop growing.
60. Jupiter is bigger than all the other planets in our solar system combined.
61. Hot water is heavier than cold.
62. The parachute was invented by da Vinci in 1515.
63. They have square watermelons in Japan. They stack better.
64. Cream does not weigh as much as milk.
65. Starfish have eight eyes-one at the end of each leg.
66. Iceland consumes more Coca-cola per capita than any other nation.
67. First novel ever written on a typewriter was "Tom Sawyer."
68. There are more collect calls on Father's Day than any other day of the year.
69. Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per year.
70. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs.
71. Men get hiccups more often than women.
72. Armadillos can be housebroken.
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Questions that have Confused humankind!!
a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I\'ll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?\"
a.. Who was the first person to say \"See that chicken there....I\'m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it\'s butt.\"
a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
a.. If the professor on Gilligan\'s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can\'t he fix a hole in a boat?
a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don\'t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\'re both dogs!
a.. What do you call male ballerinas?
a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn\'t he just buy dinner?
a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
a.. Isn\'t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?
a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it\'s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it\'s in your ass?
a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\'t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?
a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
a.. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, \"I think I\'ll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?\"
a.. Who was the first person to say \"See that chicken there....I\'m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it\'s butt.\"
a.. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
a.. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
a.. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
a.. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
a.. If the professor on Gilligan\'s Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can\'t he fix a hole in a boat?
a.. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don\'t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
a.. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
a.. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They\'re both dogs!
a.. What do you call male ballerinas?
a.. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??
a.. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,why
didn\'t he just buy dinner?
a.. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
a.. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
a.. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
a.. Isn\'t Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
a.. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the
same tune?
a.. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
a.. Why do they call it an asteroid when it\'s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it\'s in your ass?
a.. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\'t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?
a.. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
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-
Hurghada Lady
- Royal V.I.P
- Posts: 1528
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Not gone A.W.O.L.Hurghada Lady wrote:Andy, where are the jokes of the day, have they gone to weekly now????
I enjoyed them now you have gone A.W.O.L.
Just been busy building a shed.
Here we go then
Man : "Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
Doctor : "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
Man : "Is it common?"
Doctor : "It's not unusual."
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Granddad comes home from his doctor and, though usually quite active with his grand-children, seems to make every effort to avoid them this day. His son notices his dad avoiding the kids and asks him why this is so.
Immediately the old man whisks his medicine prescription out of his pocket and hands it to his son.
The Gradnfather said, "Read that label. That's why!"
The son takes the bottle and reads,
"Take two pills a day. KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN."
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